Shadow Kiss Chapter 19

NineteenLISSA HAD BEEN MY best friend ever since elementary school, which was wherefore keeping so many secrets from her lately had hurt so much. She was always open with me, always willing to sh be what was on her mind but because, whitethornbe that was because she had no choice. I used to be that way with her, yet at some point, Id started locking my secrets in, un able to tell her ab step to the fore Dimitri or the real reason Id messed up with Stan. I hated it organism that way. It ate me up inner and confound me feel immoralityy around her.Today, however, there was absolutely no way I could wiggle bring out of explaining what had happened at the airport. Even if I made up some occasion, the fact that I was on half-time with Christian would be a huge tip- mutilate that something was going on. No excuses this time.So, as much as it hurt, I gave her and Christian as easy as Eddie and Adrian, who were hanging around the short version of what had happened.You theorize you apothegm ghosts? Christian exclaimed. Seriously? The get wind on his search showed me that he was already building a list of snide comments to make.Look, I snapped, I told you what was going on, but I dont regard to elaborate on it. Its getting worked out, so secure let it drop.Rose began Lissa uneasily. A hurri lowlifee of emotions was beating by dint of to me from her. Fear. Concern. Shock. Her compassion made me feel that much worse.I agitate my head. No, Liss. Please. You guys can think whatsoever you call(a) for about me or make up your own theories, but were not going to talk about it. Not now. in effect(p) leave me al adept about it.I expected Lissa to riskyger me because of her normal persistence. I expected Adrian and Christian to because of their irritating natures. merely even though my course had been simple, I realized Id delivered them with a harshness both in voice and manner. It was Lissas surprised mental reaction that alerted me to that, and then I necessityed only to look at the guys faces to realize I must have sounded incredibly bitchy.Sorry, I mumbled. I give notice the concern, but Im just not in the mood.Lissa eyed me. Later, she give tongue to in my mind. I gave her a brief nod, secretly wondering how I could avoid that conversation.She and Adrian had met to practice magic again. I sleek over interchangeabled being able to be close to her, but I was only able to do so because Christian was hanging around too. And honestly, I couldnt figure out why he bewildered. I guess he was still a little jealous, despite everything that had happened. Of course, if hed do itn about the queens match make schemes, he power have had good reason. Nonetheless, it was drop these magic lessons were starting to bore him. We were in Ms. Meissners classroom today, and he pulled two desks together and stretched out across them, tossing an arm over his look.Wake me when it gets interesting, he verbalize.Eddie and I stood in a central po sition that let us examine the door and windows while in addition staying near the Moroi.You really see Mason? Eddie whisper to me. He turned sheepish. Sorryyou tell you didnt want to talk about itI started to say yes, that was exactly what Id saidbut then I maxim the look on Eddies face. He wasnt subscribeing me about this out of perverse curiosity. He asked because of Mason, because of their closeness, and because Eddie wasnt over his best friends death any more than I was. I think he found the idea of Mason communicating from beyond the grave reassuring, but then, he hadnt been the one to actually see Masons ghost.I think it was him, I murmured spinal column. I dont know. Everyone thinks I imagined it.How did he look? Was he upset?He looked sad. Really sad.If it was really him I mean, I dont know. Eddie looked at the ground, momentarily forgetting to watch the room. Ive always wondered if he was upset that we didnt save him.There was nothing we could have done, I told hi m, reiterating exactly what everyone had told me. that I wondered that too, because bring Andrew had mentioned that ghosts sometimes come back for revenge. But Mason didnt look that way. He just seemed like he wanted to tell me something.Eddie looked back up suddenly, realizing he was still on confine duty. He didnt say anything else after that, but I knew where his thoughts were.Meanwhile, Adrian and Lissa were making progress. Or rather, Adrian was. The two of them had dug up a bunch of scraggly constitutes that had died or bygone dormant for the winter and put them in little pots. The pots were now lined up in a row on a long table. Lissa moved(p) one, and I felt the euphoria of magic burn within her. A moment later, the scrappy little plant turned green and sprouted leaves.Adrian stared straining at it, as though it held all the secrets of the universe, and then exhaled deeply. Okay. Here goes nothing.He lightly placed his fingers on a different plant. Here goes nothing m ight have been an accurate statement, because nothing actually happened. Then, a few moments later, the plant shuddered a little. A hint of green started to grow in it and then it stopped.You did it, said Lissa, impressed. I could also feel that she was a little jealous. Adrian had learned one of her tricks, but she still hadnt learned any of his.Hardly, he said, glaring at the plant. He was all in all sober, with none of his vices to mellow him. Spirit had nothing to stop it from making him feel irritable. With our moods, we actually had something in common tonight. Damn it. are you kidding? she asked. It was great. You made a plant grow with your mind. Thats amazing.Not as good as you, though, he said, still sounding like he was ten years old.I couldnt protagonist but pipe in. Then stop bitching and try again.He glanced over at me, a smile twisting his lips. Hey, no advice, Ghost Girl. Guardians should be seen and not divulged. I flipped him off for the Ghost Girl comment, but he didnt notice because Lissa was talking to him again.Shes right. Try it again.You do it one more time, he said. I want to watch you. I can kind of feel what you do to it.She performed her trick on another plant. I again felt the magic flare up, as well as the contentment that came with it and then she faltered. A flash of fear and instability tinged the magic, smacking a little of when her mental state had deteriorated so badly. No, no, I begged silently. Its happening. I knew it would if she kept using the magic. Please dont let it happen again.And like that, the dark spot within her magic went away. tout ensemble of her thoughts and feelings returned to normal. I noticed then that shed also made the plant grow. Id missed it because Id been put off by her lapse. Adrian had missed the magic too because his eyes were on me. His expression was troubled and very, very confused.Okay, said Lissa happily. She didnt realize he hadnt paid attention. Try again.Adrian focused his attent ion back on their work. Sighing, he moved to a new plant, but she gestured him back. No, keep running(a) on the one you started. Maybe you can only do it in small bursts.Nodding, he turned his attention to his original plant. For a few minutes, he just did nothing but stare. Silence reigned in the room. Id never seen him so focused on anything, and sweat was actually forming on his forehead. Finally, at long last, the plant twitched again. It grew even greener, and precise buds appeared on it. Glancing up at him, I saw him narrow his eyes and grit his teeth, no doubt concentrating for all he was worth. The buds burst. Leaves and tiny white flowers appeared.Lissa made what could only be called a whoop of joy. You did it She hugged him, and feelings of delight washed over me from her. She was sincerely happy that hed been able to do it. And while she was still disappointed at her lack of progress, it inspired hope in her that hed replicated her abilities. That meant they truly could learn from each other.I cant wait until Im able to do something new, she said, still a tiny bit jealous.Adrian tapped a notebook. Well, there are plenty of other tricks in the world of opinion. Youve got to be able to learn at least one of them.Whats that? I asked.Remember that re anticipate I did on people whod shown weird behaviors? she asked. We made a list of all the different things that showed up. I did remember. In her search to find others with spirit, shed uncovered claims about Moroi demonstrating abilities no one had ever seen. Few people believed the reports were true, but Lissa was convinced they were spirit users.Along with healing, auras, and dream walking, we seem to also have some super compulsion going on.You already knew that, I said.No, this is even more laborious-core. Its not just telling people what to do. Its also making them see and feel things that arent even there.What, like hallucinations? I asked.Kind of, he said. There are stories of people using com pulsion to make others live through their worst nightmares, thinking theyre being attacked or whatever.I shivered. Thats actually kind of scary.And awesome, said Adrian.Lissa agreed with me. I dont know. Regular compulsion is one thing, but that just seems wrong.Christian yawned. Now that victory has been achieved, can we call it a night with the magic?Glancing behind me, I saw that Christian was sitting up and alert. His eyes were on Lissa and Adrian, and he did not look happy about the victory hug. Lissa and Christian had broken apart, though not because theyd noticed his reaction. They were both too distracted by their own excitement to notice his glare.Can you do it again? asked Lissa eagerly. Make it grow?Adrian shook his head. Not right away. That took a lot out of me. I think I need a cigarette. He gestured in Christians direction. Go do something with your guy. Hes been terribly patient through all of this.Lissa walked over to Christian, her face alight with joy. She looked beautiful and radiant, and I could tell it was hard for him to stay too mad at her. The harsh expression on his face softened, and I saw the rare gentleness that only she could bring out in him. Lets go back to the dorm, she said, grabbing his hand.We set off. Eddie walked near guard with Lissa and Christian, which left(p) me with far guard. It also left me with Adrian, who had chosen to lag behind and talk to me. He was smoking, so I got to be the one to deal with the toxic cloud that generated. Honestly, I couldnt figure out why no one in charge had busted him for this. I wrinkled my nose at the smell.You know, you can always be our far-far guard and stay behind with that thing, I told him.Mm, Ive had enough. He dropped the cigarette and stamped it out, leaving it behind. I hated that almost as much as him smoking in the first place.What do you think, little dhampir? he asked. I was pretty badass with that plant, wasnt I? Of course, it would have been more badass if Id, I dunno, helped an amputee grow a limb back. Or maybe separated siamese twins. But thatll come with more practice.If you want some advice which Im sure you dont you guys should lay off on the magic. Christian still thinks youre moving in on Lissa.What? he asked in mock astonishment. Doesnt he know my heart belongs to you?It does not. And no, hes still worried about it, despite what Ive told him.You know, I bet if we started making out right now, it would make him feel better.If you touch me, I said pleasantly, Ill provide you with the opportunity to see if you can heal yourself. Then wed see how badass you really are.Id get Lissa to heal me, he said smugly. Itd be easy for her. Although The sardonic smirk faded. Something weird happened when she used her magic.Yeah, I said. I know. Could you sense it too?No. But I saw it. He frowned. Rose remember when you asked about being crazy and I said you werent?YeahI think I might have been wrong. I think you are crazy.I about stopped walking. W hat the hell does that mean?Wellyou see, the thing is, when Lissa did the second plant her aura dimmed a little.That would go along with what I felt, I said. It was kind of like she I dont know, grew mentally fragile for a moment, kind of like she used to. But it went away.He nodded. Yeah, thats the thingthe darkness in her aura went away and into yours. Like, Ive noticed before that you guys have a big difference in auras, but this time, I saw it happening. It was like that spot of darkness jumped out of hers and into yours.Something about that made me shiver. What does it mean?Well, this is why I think youre crazy. Lissa isnt having any side effects from the magic anymore, right? And you, well youve been feeling kind of short-tempered lately and youre, like, seeing ghosts. He said the words casually, like seeing ghosts was just something that happened from time to time. I think whatever harmful thing there is in spirit that screws with the mind is leaking out of her and into you. Its making her stay stable, and you, well as I said, youre seeing ghosts.It was like being smacked in the face. A new theory. Not trauma. Not real ghosts. Me catching Lissas madness. I remembered how shed been at her worst, depressed and self-destructive. I remembered our former teacher, Ms. Karp, whod also been a spirit user and completely out of her mind enough to become Strigoi.No, I said in a strained voice. Thats not happening to me.What about your attach? You have that connection. Her thoughts and feelings creep into you why not the madness too? Adrians manner was typically light and curious. He didnt realize just how much this was starting to freak me out.Because it doesnt make any And then, it hit me. The answer wed been searching for this whole time.St. Vladimir had struggled his whole life with spirits side effects. Hed had dreams and delusions, experiences he wrote off to demons. But he hadnt gone completely crazy or tried to kill himself. Lissa and I had felt certa in that it was because he had a shadow-kissed guardian, Anna, and that sharing that bond with her had helped him. Wed assumed it was simply the act of having much(prenominal) a close friend around, someone who could support him and talk him through the bad times since they hadnt had antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs back then.But what if what ifI couldnt breathe. I couldnt go another single moment without knowing the answer. What time was it anyway? An hour or so before curfew? I had to find out. I came to an shrewd halt, nearly slipping on the slick ground.ChristianThe group in front of us stopped and looked back at me and Adrian. Yeah? Christian asked.I need to quest a detour or rather, we do since I cant go anywhere without you. We need to go to the church.His eyebrows rose in surprise. What, you need to confess something?Dont ask brains. Please. Itll only take a few minutes.Concern crossed Lissas face. Well, we can all go No, well be fast. I didnt want her there. I did nt want her to hear the answer I was certain Id get. Go to the dorm. Well catch up. Please, Christian?He studied me, expression oscillating between wanting to mock me and wanting to help. He wasnt a complete jerk, after all. The latter emotion won out. Okay, but if you try to get me to pray with you, I walk.He and I split off toward the chapel. I moved so fast that he had to scurry to keep up.I dont suppose you want to tell me what this is about? he asked.Nope. I appreciate your cooperation, though.Always glad to help, he said. I was certain he was rolling his eyes, but I was more focused on the path ahead.We reached the chapel, and the door was locked, unsurprisingly. I knocked on it, staring anxiously around to see if any lights shone through the windows. It didnt look like it.You know, Ive broken in here before, said Christian. If you need at heart No, more than that. I need to see the priest. Damn it, hes not here.Hes probably in bed.Damn it, I repeated, feeling only a little bad about swearing on a churchs doorstep. If the priest was in bed, hed be off in Moroi staff housing and inaccessible. I need to The door opened, and Father Andrew peered out at us. He looked surprised but not upset. Rose? Christian? Is something wrong?I have to ask you a question, I told him. It wont take long.His surprise grew, but he stepped aside so we could enter. We all stopped and stood in the chapels lobby, just outside the main sanctuary.I was just about to go home for the night, Father Andrew told us. I was shutting everything down.You told me that St. Vladimir lived a long life and died of old age. Is that true?Yes, he said slowly. To the best of my knowledge. All the books Ive read including these latest ones say as much.But what about Anna? I demanded. I sounded like I was on the verge of hysteria. Which I kind of was.What about her?What happened to her? How did she die?All this time. All this time, Lissa and I had worried about Vlads outcome. Wed never considered Annas.Ah, well. Father Andrew sighed. Her end wasnt as good, Im afraid. She spent her whole life protecting him, though there are hints that in her old age, she started growing a little unstable too. And thenAnd then? I asked. Christian was looking between the priest and me, completely lost.And then, well, a couple months after St. Vladimir passed on, she committed suicide.I squeezed my eyes shut for half a second and then opened them. This was what Id been afraid of.Im sorry, Father Andrew said. I know how closely youve followed their story. I didnt even learn this about her until reading it recently. Taking ones life is a sin, of coursebut, well, considering how close they were, its not hard to imagine how she may have felt when he was gone.And you also said that she was starting to go a little crazy.He nodded and spread his hands out. Its hard to say what that pitiable woman was thinking. Many factors were probably involved. Why was this so pressing?I shook my head. Its a long s tory. Thanks for helping me.Christian and I were middle(a) to the dorm before he finally asked, What was that all about? I remember when you guys were looking into this. Vladimir and Anna were like Lissa and you, right?Yeah, I said glumly. Look, I dont want to get between you guys, but please dont tell Lissa about this. Not until I find out more. Just tell her I dont know. Ill tell her that I suddenly panicked because I thought I had more community service scheduled.Both of us lying to her, huh?I hate it, believe me. But its also best for her at the moment.Because if Lissa knew that she might potentially make me insane yeah, shed take that hard. Shed want to stop working her magic. Of course, that was what Id always wanted and yet, Id felt that joy in her when she used it. Could I take that away from her? Could I sacrifice myself?There was no easy answer, and I couldnt start jumping to conclusions. Not until I knew more. Christian agreed to keep it secret, and by the time we joi ned the others, it was almost time for curfew anyway. We had only about a half hour together, and then we all split off for bed including me, since the part-time field experience agreement said I couldnt do nighttime duty. The Strigoi risk was low in global anyway, and my instructors were more concerned about me getting a full nights sleep.So when curfew came, I walked back to the dhampir dorm alone. And then, when I was almost there, he appeared again.Mason.I came to an abrupt halt and glanced around me, wishing someone else was there to witness this and settle the crazy-or-not thing once and for all. His pearly form stood there, hands in the pockets of his coat in an almost casual way that somehow made the experience that much weirder.Well, I said, feeling surprisingly calm, despite the sorrow that washed over me whenever I saw him. Glad to see youre alone again. I didnt really like the extras on the plane.He stared, expression blank and eyes sad. It made me feel worse, guilt tw isting my stomach into knots. I broke.What are you? I cried. Are you real? Am I going crazy?To my surprise, he nodded.Which? I squeaked. Yes, youre real?He nodded.Yes, Im crazy?He shook his head.Well, I said, forcing a joke through my hurricane of emotions. Thats a relief, but honestly, what else would you say if youre a hallucination?Mason just stared. I glanced around again, wishing someone would come by.Why are you here? Are you mad at us and looking for revenge?He shook his head, and something in me relaxed. Until that moment, I hadnt realized how worried Id been about that. The guilt and grief had been wound up so tightly in me. Him blaming me just as Ryan had had seemed inevitable.Are you are you having trouble finding peace?Mason nodded and seemed to grow sadder. I thought back to his final moments and swallowed back tears. Id probably have a hard time finding peace too, taken from my life before it began.Is there more than that, though? Another reason you keep coming to m e?He nodded.What? I asked. There were too many questions lately. I needed answers. What is it? What do I need to do?But anything other than a yes or no question was beyond us, apparently. He opened up his mouth as though he would say something. He looked like he was trying hard, like Adrian had with the plant. But no sound came out.Im sorry, I whispered. Im sorry I dont understand andIm sorry for everything else.Mason gave me one last wistful look and then vanished.